


The Lilac Blooms Purple

by eternalsession



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 21:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalsession/pseuds/eternalsession
Summary: A story of a man coming to grips with his sexuality and the girl who always saves him.





	The Lilac Blooms Purple

His stomach churned. He had no real explanation for the way that he felt, just that he probably shouldn’t feel this way.

No. That’s wrong.

He knew exactly what he felt and why he felt it. He just ignored it; after all, he’d only been raised to hide and conceal, to ignore anything that wasn’t positive and reject the negatives. It was envy. He felt excluded.

He felt like he had no place.

Again.

He knew he shouldn’t be envious of his friends. He already had so much offered to him. He was cis at least, though he was bi he always kept it hidden unless it needed to come up (which he always avoided). If he didn’t open his mouth about it he never had any issues. By all means, his life was just fine.

He set free the most bitter chuckle he’d heard in a while. Perhaps that’s why he was so envious in the first place. Cause he wasn’t free enough to let himself embrace who he was in public. He was always behind a mask.

He always believed that he shouldn’t try to fix what isn’t broken. For him, his lifestyle wasn’t broken. He never thought the mask would hurt him. So now he would suffer the price.

He couldn’t bring himself to confess to everyone about his sexuality, about the friends he had. Even when he thought he confessed it, he didn’t do anything to change. Because he thought that his sexuality had no bearing on himself. That sentiment is wrong.

Wrong. It’s wrong. It’s beyond wrong, it’s foolish, it’s idiotic, it’s downright—reel it in, Amund.

Of course, he thought, that a person’s sexuality doesn’t change them. But denying it does. On some levels he was still denying it. He feared criticism, of backlash. There’s no reason to ruin the friendships he’d hardly fostered for a reason like that. Just so he could selfishly and publicly admit that he dreamed sometimes of embracing another man? He had to silence himself. That’s what he was taught.

He was trapped within a catch-22. If he didn’t recognize himself publicly and permanently, he’d always feel like this at some point. But he rejected himself so deep down to his core that it terrified him to no end. Perhaps he thought too much of other people. He wouldn’t make them uncomfortable if he didn’t have to. He couldn’t do it again. Not after everything.

He clutched his knees to his chest, digging his nails into his skin. He felt his hands grow moist soon, though, so he stopped. It didn’t really hurt him; he’d been through worse after all. He just knew that Ramona would scold him if she caught him harming himself again. Though, really, it wasn’t exactly on purpose. He just kind of… did it. Then again, she’d scold him for that too.

It was weird. Whenever he found himself feeling sad like this, he would always think of her; whenever he would think of her, she would appear. Like a prince from a fairy tale or something. He was supposed to be the strong and sturdy one—he has the scars to prove it. If he was so strong, why did he feel so powerless now? It’s just words, its not like they’re hitting him.

At least physical pain was something he could quantify. He could defy that kind of injury.

“Found you.”

He didn’t even bother raising his head. He knew it was her. Of course, it was her. He always made her worry. She took a seat next to him and for a while, they sat in silence.

“You came alone?”

“Mhm.”

He was quiet. If she weren’t listening so intently, she might not have heard the tiny “Thank you.” that escaped his lips. She vaguely understood what was going on. He had several tells but perhaps the most telling was his saying “If you need me, call me” before leaving. She didn’t think anyone else could tell but she knew.

She knew it was a cry for help.

She didn’t follow him right away, of course, she was still busy. Besides, he needed time on his own to process things anyway. Since he needed her, she arrived. That was all there was to it.

“What should I do, Ramona?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I… don’t know. I’ve never had the luxury before.”

“Well you do now. Get to thinking.”

He chuckled. She was always so refreshing. A few moments ago, he was balling his eyes out and now he felt a smile creep across his face.

“I want to be myself. I’m tired of wearing the mask.”

“I told you you’d outgrow it.”

“Yeah, yeah. I doubted you.”

“When have I ever been wrong?”

He paused for a second. He realized that she never was wrong. That she was always there for him. That she was

“My knight in shining armor.”

“That’s right. Now are you gonna get on this horse or what?”

**Author's Note:**

> The purple lilac symbolizes first love.


End file.
